Sega announces a 99% stock purchase of Nintendo (April Fools)

In a move that shook the entire video game industry, Sega Sammy Holdings Inc. have announced that they have purchased a 99% share of Nintendo. Yes, that Nintendo. SegaSammy president and CEO Haruki Satomi have announced their near total takeover of Sega’s former console war nemesis late yesterday, March 31st, 2024, for exactly one billion yen.

So what is keeping Sega from acquiring the remaining 1% of Nintendo? Check in past the break to find out.

Believe it or not, current Nintendo president Shuntaro Furukawa had no intention of selling Nintendo outright, but Nintendo of America CEO Doug Bowser apparently had other plans. He had recently revealed himself to be the one and only Bowser in disguise, wrestled executive control away from Furukawa-san, and immediately put Sega on the stock exchange completely. He had apparently intended to sell the company to Microsoft, but had done so too late, as Microsoft had suddenly found themselves unable to afford a majority stake in Nintendo following their recent buyout of Activision-Blizzard for $68.7 billion dollars. Bowser had to rush to find a new buyer and ended up selling Nintendo to SegaSammy at a loss.

Nintendo’s remaining board members, as well as current “Creative Fellow” and creator of Mario, Shigeru Miyamoto, have tried to halt the sale, only for Bowser to override their veto and allow the sale to go through, but they had managed to keep the last 1% of the company to themselves. Miyamoto-san has announced that he and the other board members at Nintendo have formed a resistance group to regain a majority stake in Nintendo from SegaSammy. Their influence has not had a significant impact so far, but Miyamoto has also announced they have brought a promising new recruit on board to hopefully turn the tides of this acquisition. The identity of this new recruit has not yet been revealed.

For now, though, this sale is a done deal and Nintendo has pretty much joined the ranks of Rovio as a major new feather in SegaSammy’s cap, and with Nintendo already preparing to launch their, as of now, unnamed and unannounced successor to the wildly successful Nintendo Switch, it’s safe to say this will be Sega’s long awaited return to the console hardware race. I’m all for naming the Switch successor the Sega Switch. Perhaps even the Sega Dreamcast 2.

I don’t think I even want comments in the comments section this time, except maybe your clever inversions of the classic catchphrase “Sega Does What Nintendon’t”.

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